I've attempted to stay busy to keep things off of my mind but stress and worry are starting to show. I can't seem to find anything in particular that works for me, so far. Being alone with my thoughts isn't helping. My business is pleasant enough and I want to make it grow, but I'm currently overwhelmed by a mere blanket. I guess I am just going to start over, yet again... ugh. People who I end up telling what happened are feeling sorry for me and pitying me.. No, I just want understanding. He's not the charming, sweet, kind person you think he is. Stay away from him.
Also...I'd like to create more things, but I want to make clothing... Models are far and few between.. at least, getting ladies to show up. Who doesn't want free clothing? Apparently nobody.. I guess I'll be creating for myself for lack of better people to create for.
My son has taken to violent tantrums lately. I thought they started when I kicked his father out (the man who was my supposed to have been my best friend but he violated me), but my mom thinks they started before my son realized that he wasn't coming back..who knows, but I took away all his toys away today, so maybe there will be some change in the coming days.
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Saturday, March 3, 2018
I guess I'll start off with How I feel.
In the coolness of the night, I think to myself, 'How did I let this happen?', 'Why did he do this to me, after everything we've been through together?', 'He knows what I've been through...how could he still do this to me?'
An assault of self blame, worthlessness, shame, so much shame, self destruction and pain is my every day. I keep myself busy, attempting to assuage the raw salt being forced into open wounds. I consider options to numb the pain, as my ankle is still healing and exercise is not a good idea, quite yet. Options and things that aren't quite me, but I've been traumatized and I am struggling to function with every day life. I throw myself into work. My friends and boyfriend are concerned. They don't know the secrets I hold. I feel used, and disgusting. I feel angry at this betrayal, I feel ugly and weak. I'm stressed but that doesn't begin to help my absymal thoughts.
I'm angry because he blamed me for this. It was my fault for always being so wishy washy. I've changed my mind in the past, why not now? I said 'no sex, tonight', and he proceeded to go in dry, painful and finish. He was supposed to have been my friend but he was so angry that I had moved on, he was taking what he felt he deserved. I had said no, I was fully clothed, he and I were close, yet according to him, it's my fault.. I know, logically, technically, it was his fault, but I can't help how heartbroken and ashamed that I didn't have the muscle power to fight back. I'm angry I didn't scream at him, I just prayed to the Gods that it would end quickly. It took me several days to process all of this.. I didn't want to think that the unthinkable had occurred.. but it had. My best friend raped me, in my own bed, because he wasn't getting his way, like an impetulant child.
An assault of self blame, worthlessness, shame, so much shame, self destruction and pain is my every day. I keep myself busy, attempting to assuage the raw salt being forced into open wounds. I consider options to numb the pain, as my ankle is still healing and exercise is not a good idea, quite yet. Options and things that aren't quite me, but I've been traumatized and I am struggling to function with every day life. I throw myself into work. My friends and boyfriend are concerned. They don't know the secrets I hold. I feel used, and disgusting. I feel angry at this betrayal, I feel ugly and weak. I'm stressed but that doesn't begin to help my absymal thoughts.
I'm angry because he blamed me for this. It was my fault for always being so wishy washy. I've changed my mind in the past, why not now? I said 'no sex, tonight', and he proceeded to go in dry, painful and finish. He was supposed to have been my friend but he was so angry that I had moved on, he was taking what he felt he deserved. I had said no, I was fully clothed, he and I were close, yet according to him, it's my fault.. I know, logically, technically, it was his fault, but I can't help how heartbroken and ashamed that I didn't have the muscle power to fight back. I'm angry I didn't scream at him, I just prayed to the Gods that it would end quickly. It took me several days to process all of this.. I didn't want to think that the unthinkable had occurred.. but it had. My best friend raped me, in my own bed, because he wasn't getting his way, like an impetulant child.
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