I guess I'll start off with How I feel.

In the coolness of the night, I think to myself, 'How did I let this happen?', 'Why did he do this to me, after everything we've been through together?', 'He knows what I've been through...how could he still do this to me?'

An assault of self blame, worthlessness, shame, so much shame, self destruction and pain is my every day. I keep myself busy, attempting to assuage the raw salt being forced into open wounds. I consider options to numb the pain, as my ankle is still healing and exercise is not a good idea, quite yet. Options and things that aren't quite me, but I've been traumatized and I am struggling to function with every day life. I throw myself into work. My friends and boyfriend are concerned. They don't know the secrets I hold. I feel used, and disgusting. I feel angry at this betrayal, I feel ugly and weak. I'm stressed but that doesn't begin to help my absymal thoughts.

I'm angry because he blamed me for this. It was my fault for always being so wishy washy. I've changed my mind in the past, why not now? I said 'no sex, tonight', and he proceeded to go in dry, painful and finish. He was supposed to have been my friend but he was so angry that I had moved on, he was taking what he felt he deserved. I had said no, I was fully clothed, he and I were close, yet according to him, it's my fault.. I know, logically, technically, it was his fault, but I can't help how heartbroken and ashamed that I didn't have the muscle power to fight back. I'm angry I didn't scream at him, I just prayed to the Gods that it would end quickly. It took me several days to process all of this.. I didn't want to think that the unthinkable had occurred.. but it had. My best friend raped me, in my own bed, because he wasn't getting his way, like an impetulant child.