Stupid

I have these thoughts, and I know they're stupid. It's late and my hands are weak, so this may be shorter than I care for.

In the past 6 months, I've been through quite a bit, so I'll be blunt. Here's what I'm thinking; I'm thinking that I must be a horrendous individual if all I ever dream is to be loved like he loved her. Many personal anecdotes that I get to listen to, and dream about. I'm jealous, not of the people in particular, but that I'm never good enough for that, but I'm good enough to be raped by someone I thought was my best friend, I'm good enough to be neglected, I'm good enough to be stood up on countless occasions, I'm good enough to work for little pay and still find worth in what I do. I'm good enough for all the worst in people and fixing them for their next conquest but I sit alone, hoping to be loved even once, without hate, without rape, abuse, neglect, disrespect, moral discord. I literally laugh at the term 'good man', because it's so far and few and between. I probably need counseling. I usually find value in myself but I'm not good enough for someone to make the effort or match my own. It's always good at first, but it fizzles off or true colors come out. The worst in people come find me, in the depths of despair and depression, taunting me, calling my name so loud that I cannot ignore it. I cannot let these words leave my lips, so from my weak fingers, they flow. I have truly given up the entire thought that I'll ever be anything more than someone's fuck toy. I guess I'll take what I can get. What can you do?

I may add to this tomorrow, not that anyone's listening to these ramblings of a mad woman.